And so the journey begins. Or perhaps it has already begun? Sometimes I find myself pondering the age old question, which came first? The chicken or the egg? Would my head and heart be capable of concocting these overzealous dreams and aspirations had I not gotten sick? Honestly? I don't think so.
Eating disorders(particularly bulimia in my case) are just plain rotten. Goodness gracious, almost 11 years of that nonsense. I had quite a few false starts trying to steer off onto this exit they call the 'road to recovery' . I've hit so many rock bottoms you'd think I'd be halfway to China by now. I've shed enough tears to refill the Atlantic god forbid it dried up. I can't really pin point what clicked. I suppose only time and my persistant pondering will tell. But by golly, at least something did. For 10 years I knew I didn't want to be sick. My parents did everything and more than most parents would to get me all the help one in my situation could get. But after a while I forgot what it was like not to be sick anymore. I got comfortable, it became a habit, eventually the dreaded addiction phase kicked in, and before I knew it almost 11 years of my life flew by right before my eyes.
Sometimes I wish that the journey to this point had been a little smoother, a bit less bumpy, hurt my loved ones less, and perhaps spared a scar or two both physically and mentally. Yet at the end of the day when I see these scars, or I'm reminded of a terrible time that once was the reality of my day to day life, I know that I still have that little part inside of me, a seed that I never let anyone see, touch, or take away from me. Saving it for the moment where I knew I was ready to bring it out into the world and let it grow and flourish into something so beautiful, so unrecognizable that the scars slowly begin to fade, hearts begin to mend, and that little seed that no one, not even I sometimes knew existed, radiates such a vast amount of hope that it's hard to look anywhere but forward.
And so forward I go. I look back now and then, maybe to appreciate where I'm at now, and a reminder of why not to go back. Sometimes I look back to capture those moments of my younger, more innocent self, the one who played t-ball in a feather boa, played basketball in the driveway with her family until dusk, smiling and chuckling with not but a care in the world. Ahhh, the innocence of our youth! But through the bills and work and all the other necessary evils of this 'so called' adult world we live in, plagued with endless responsibilities, there really is so much good I think we forget about! We now have the capability to make our dreams come to life, our friendships flourish, make adventures happen, and memories are made.
I've realized the stars may never perfectly align in all aspects of this life. I've done the whole song and dance that 'I'll wait until this is over and settled to get back on track' or ' When I have more money I can do that'. So many things are out of our control in this world. Yet they pale in comparison to the amount of things we can control. So I am FINALLY learning to stop making up excuses, buck up, take hold and hold on tight to what IS in my control. Why I wasted so much time on that other gosh darn stuff? Just like how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop: the world may never know.
Enough of my ranting!
Strangebird is starting to spread its wings and take flight. Working with the lovely and talented Sarah Mellen on the site and branding, I seek to create the products for the brand and the philosophies for a healthy mind and body by finding beauty in the mundane and relish in the satisfaction that all things peculiar, or 'strange' if you will, bring to life. I hope through sharing my story, my journey and the many adventures and inevitable bumps along the way, that I can instill hope and encourage others to find that tiny seedling inside of them and to watch it flourish into something truly magnificent together.
As I go forward with my creations and making my dream come true, I learn that patience is certainly a virtue. Through working a 9-5, need that salary and benefits!, and focusing on bringing StrangeBird to life when I get home, I am always left wishing there were more hours in the day. Wouldn't it be lovely to just snap our fingers and have our wildest dreams come true? But what satisfaction would we find in that? How then are we truly to enjoy the fruits of our labor?
To close, I'll share a thought that good ol' Alex (pops) aka Clark Griswald left me with the other day as I shared my frustrations of things taking time to progress.
Dad to me:
' Remember how your great grandpa Charlie and great grandma Stella were farmers? (so were his twin brother and wife) Well they had to plant the seeds for the corn in in the spring, let's say April and had to be patient and harvest the corn in the fall, let's say October. If they were inpatient and harvested to quickly, they would have done all that planting for nothing. If they planted too late, say in August to harvest in October, that would have been all for nothing as well. They had to be patient to in order to harvest a profitable and well grown crop to then truly enjoy the fruits of their labor.'
Oh pops, I can always count on you to provide such wise words!
So onward to the future and adventures that await for all of us <3
SB sneak peak - practicing patience and precision! What a concept!
